A better version of me


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Life as I know it has returned to a place of calm and stillness for me.   
August has arrived and off to school everyone marches for the beginning of the 2013/14 school year.
Now that the girls are back in class, mummy can find some time to think, think, think.  
I love to think, I just don’t like to think when my kids are around, then it really hurts my head.
Thinking for me is very meditative and it is even better when I have someone eager to receive my thoughts, which doesn’t always happen at home, so storytelling with my blog is the next best thing.
It has been a couple of weeks now that my days have been my own and I have so many ‘thoughts’ and ‘short stories’ swirling around in my head that I am not really sure where to begin – I do realise that I have been M.I.A  for some time, and that alone is almost making it too difficult to get back on the horse. Not to mention, I was giving hubby a lot of ‘air time’ with my previous post – making sure everyone had a chance to read what I thought about him.  Love ya babe!
Anyways here goes.
Lately I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how I arrived at this point in my life.  I have been thinking about different roles my daughters are playing in each others lives and how their personalities are strongly shaped by actions and reactions that we as a family and me as a parent make day to day.
I look towards my youngest and see reflections of my own childhood.
I stare at my eldest and constantly wonder what it must be like to be ‘the first’.
I glance at my second born and send her messages with my eyes to let her know I recognise our skin shade may be different, yet I see more of myself in her than any other.
and I worry about my third, frightened that she is lost amongst the numbers and perhaps her voice is not being heard.
I hope every day that they are doing ‘ok’. Knowing somethings I can change for them, they can change for themselves and for other things ‘never’ is the only option.
Growing up I was described as, the youngest and I am.  I was told I was short, and it is safe to say I am.  On occasion I was told I was talkative, and that’s fair too and amongst other things I have heard people describe me as, kind, pleasant to be around, interesting, nosey, loud, bubbly, in your face, curvy, blah blah blah.
I strongly believe all these different words and adjectives I have heard over my years have helped me develop into the person I am today.  Thankfully I have been very fortunate with the kind words I have ‘heard’ people say, and I too, have chosen only to attach myself with the ones I identify closely to.
The other day a friend was deep in to a conversation describing another person who was not present when she turned to me without pausing and said “like you – short and chubby”.  After I pouted for a bit, I realised she didn’t even notice what she said, she meant nothing by it, she was just stating a fact and the fact is I am short and chubby.
Here is where my thinking starts to take on another slant.
I get that I am short and I get that I can not do anything about it, I have been told all my life that I am short and this sits well with me.  I have also been told all my life that I come from ‘good stock’.  That my family linage has ‘big’ women going ways back. So I guess I can’t do anything about being ‘chubby’ either, so I will just sit with that as my ‘norm’ ?
I mean, it makes sense right, if my family history shows that we are ‘big boned’ women – then I guess that’s my lot in life.
Were you ever told something over and over again so you just chose to ‘sit’ with it instead of challenging it? 
Maybe you were told you were not very athletic so you never became involved in sports as an adult.  Did you get told you have ‘two left feet’ so still today you never bust a move on the dance floor.  Were you the one that was described as the ‘difficult’ child so you half expect anarchy to follow you through life?
There are so many more adjectives and scenarios I could use to further make my point – right from early on in life these words said over and over again sit in our heads and we soon become what we have heard, never thinking to challenge our ‘norm’.  
Why would we, taking on the challenge means we have to engage, we have to become a player in our own lives and thats when it all gets a little tricky.  Too many questions jump into our head and prevent us from taking steps (any steps)  – What would life look like if I lost weight? Where do I go to learn how to dance at my age? Do old folks play sports? What would life be like if I wasn’t spiralling out of control all the time?
It’s true, we very rarely challenge our ‘norm’ why would we, we function daily, we are alive, we must be doing something good?
And there lies my point – GOOD – I reached good and I think I might have even perfective it and now at 41 years of age I have realised that good is only half way – I still have BETTER to go and then MY BEST to achieve.
There are somethings in life that can and will NEVER change, birth rite, height, skin shade, eye colour, so on and then there is everything else and it is in the ‘everything else’ that I have become excited about once again.  The things that I choose to just accept as my ‘norm’.  It doesn’t need to be like that any more, I can always, everyday be a better version of my today and now that I have recognise it, I am off to do something about it.
Stay tuned to see where it leads me – I will give you a clue it has something to do with ‘WHITE GOLD’
 PS – A massive cheerio to Mrs B, who is celebrating her 80th birthday today.  You are a beautiful lady, and my life is richer for having you in it. xx

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